Friday, September 15, 2017

*SIGH*

Normally, I wouldn't write this. But I tend to heal better when I write things down, so here goes.

I move confidently through everything in life. I get stressed about bills, school, etc., but I know that I'll make it work. I'm a problem-solver, and I do what I need to do. But I do have a sore spot. You guessed it! Parenthood.

"But Brie, everyone has insecurities about being a mom! There's no handbook!"

Yeah, I know. Doesn't help. Let me explain.

My daughter is three years old. She's naughty. Like 'every other three year old' naughty. She screams, she throws things, she hits, and she definitely doesn't do what she's told. She acts up in restaurants, daycare, playgrounds, everywhere. 

I put her in time-out, I scold; I spank her, I yell at her. Every parenting technique I can think of, I try. And none of it works. Why? Don't know. Why is she naughty? Don't know. But I'll tell you what I do know.

Every time I'm upset at my daughter, I'm really upset at myself. I have a very, and I mean VERY loud voice in my head constantly telling me that I'm a bad parent. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to help her or even help me. I don't know how to calm down, how to muster the energy to get off the couch and play with her. I don't know how to keep my house clean. I don't know how to bond with these beautiful children that I co-created!

When I yell 'SKYLAR MAXINE YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!' I'm actually yelling (internally) 'BRIE YOU SUCK AT BEING A MOTHER' or 'YOU KNOW THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU' and it hurts, dude. I fought hard to get custody of my daughter, and spent almost a year fulfilling every obligation set by the state to get her back, and then I spent another six months trying to protect her from outside relatives. So why do I feel like such a failure? 

My husband is a great man. I could not have found a better husband, or a better father. Everyone who meets him genuinely likes him. He's been around since my daughter was a baby, and from the second he moved in with us a few short months later, he's never, NEVER been anything less than the father she never had. He takes care of us, he loves us, and he puts up with my crazy with such a grace, it's a wonder he wasn't already married by the time I got my head on right. And he tries with me, God help him, he tries. He builds me up, he carries me when the depression gets too bad. He loves me in a way that I don't deserve, but I try my best to be worthy of it. So he's not a factor in this feeling at all, and he tries his best to help fix this, but it's not something anyone can fix but me. I just don't know how to do it.

I excel in school. I'm what my friends call 'book smart'. But I'd give it all up to have the relationship with my kids that my friends seem to. They seem to have it all together. They take their kids to the park, and they're so much better behaved than mine. They don't practically go hoarse yelling. They don't go to work solely to get away from their kids because they're so terrified of being home. On a daily schedule, I'm away from my kids from 10:30 AM til about 8:30 PM. At night, I pick them up from the babysitter, take my carpool girl home, and get them home and in bed. I stay up til one or two doing my homework, then the house wakes up around 9:00 AM. First thing we all do is eat breakfast before I get ready for work. But I feel like I don't know my loves, and they're starting to not know me either.

My son is one. When he was born, he had lip-tie, so he could not breastfeed. He had colic til he was five months old or so. He would scream and cry, and I would hold him and rock him and just try to quiet him down so he could sleep. I pumped breastmilk for 30 minutes every three hours to try and give him the best I could, and he would just keep screaming until my husband got home and did everything I had just tried. Then, my son would sleep. Now he's at it again, crying all day and only calming when he's finally asleep.

I'm just lost, is all. I need help. Just don't know how to do this, guys. I want to be a great mother, and I want my children to grow up to be wonderful, beautiful creatures. But I'm terrified, and I've been terrified since day one, that my kids will grow up and think my internal thoughts that they definitely deserved better.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

its like i have a necklace
trying to strangle me, but im reckless
always have been
and i tend to forget the place im in
because i can shut down and stare at a wall
and you wont notice til i refuse to talk
but its not even that i refuse
its that i dont hear you
i shut down to protect myself
i dont want the pain
i dont wanna remember the pain
i dont wanna think about the pain
if i just dont think about it, it never happened

sometimes im hit with an image of your face
its contorted, so twisted, so scary with rage
you're standing in front of me and its getting hard to breathe
the chains are around my feet again, saying
'you cant leave me, try as you might
and sweetheart we can keep fighting this fight
and ill bury you so far youll see constant night
but its really just dirt and youll be blind'
and my hair turns to knots along with my stomach
my hands start to sweat though im freezing
and i itch for you to just fight me
just raise your hand to hit me, please
set me off

let me turn into what you think i am
what i think i am
what you all think i am
let my eyes glaze over as i fight for my life
for my rights
let me lose control
invade me
punch me
hitmeslapmesomethin
anything
give me a reason to just
explode

Just my daily rant

the blood is dry
holding the blade up high
as ive finished my masterpiece
just like every single piece
of me is broken off
every day by some jackoff
comment
about something completely idiotic
and you dont realize
that i dont even need to get this kind of high
by myself
when i have someone else
telling me im a slut
even jokingly, dont you know anything
about me?
im just as insecure as the next girl
i know my bodys imperfect
i know im a horrible parent
i know im a whore
you act like the labels dont apply anymore
you forget ive been told this for years
so much so that its tattooed between my ears
seared on my brain, forever in my mind
so when you tell me
what you perceive to be true
i already know it is
i dont need you telling me again.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

I'm a Liar, You Win

im a liar
i say so many lies
every day, and in every day lies
another nightmare
another repulsion
at socializing
at food
at myself
because you always told me i was shit
i was a horrible mother
and an awful girlfriend
a terrible friend
and i deserved everything i got
everything you gave me
i deserved to be hit when i cheated
but your dick could do no wrong
i deserved to be violated the first time
because i flirted with your friend
i deserved to lose my daughter
because i cant grow up
i deserve to be alone
because no one understands
i deserve this

i tell lies to people
all the time
i say that im fine
that the wounds have healed to scars
and the scars may ache when a storm arises
or when i need a reminder of what how decrepit i am
but they never stop aching anymore
they never stop burning
and my arm has been itching to feel a blade
to know that i can control something
i tell lies when i say that i dont cry
that i dont lie awake at night
and dread
going to bed
because i know you'll be inside my head
telling me how much of a liar i am

i dont have scars
i lied
i have flesh-eating wounds
that i just stick a band-aid on
and procure a smiling face
teeth glistening
eyes bright
but then the band-aid withers and falls
and the weight of my lies comes crashing down
whenever im alone
which is always
even in a group of people im always alone
because youre right
no one understands

and i say that time heals all
but its been years and i still feel everything
i can still hear everything
like ghosts in my head
whispering everything you said
the walls hint at atrocities
but they take your side too

i threw out our mattress
i threw out the couch
i got on my hands and needs and scrubbed the floors
where your aim found its mark in me
on me, in me, everywhere through me
but yet i cant get rid of you
i cant get rid of me

i feel like one of those girls
that just says whatever it takes
to get attention whenever i voice my opinion
or try to tell my story
because the storys already been heard
and im the antagonist
im the whore the bitch the betrayer the worthless piece of shit 
i am
the monster the one who brought the monster out to play
i asked for it

oh i couldve left
i couldve left the minute things got bad
the minute i saw that red flag
but i didnt
so i deserve everything i lost
the friends the years the intelligence the sanity the peace the chaos
i lost it and i can never repair it
never see it as it once was
never experience it as it once was nothing
could ever be as it once was because
you won

you win
you always win
its like a cage fight and im back to one twenty and youre again at two forty
and ive got no muscle and neither do you
but im powerless and i cant walk right 
and i cant feint right when you use your left to catch me as i come up for air
and the impact resounds in my head with the voices
and it echos and echos
through the halls filled with glimpses of memories
of companions of trust of naivety of love
of belonging of peace of energy of everything
and im alone
so you win
im a liar, a big fat lie
everything i said is a lie
because how can i ever tell the truth about
the bruises the rapes anything
when everything you told me is true too
and you said it never happened
so im a liar just a stupid fucking liar
and you win

Sunday, November 20, 2016

I'm Still Not Okay

I had another nightmare today.
Another moment where I saw your face.
I saw your hand as it flew
And I saw a glint in your blue eyes
And in my sleep, I realized
That I'm still not over it.

It's been over two years
I've faced by fears and my demons
I've shed them, healed my lesions
I've gotten off my meds,
Thought you were out of my head
But you're not, and you should be

I've been happy for almost two years
i've got a great man and two beautiful kids
i'm excelling in school and i've got a stable job
i've even stopped writing
but that's all part of the lie isn't it?
once i feel better, your memory appears and destroys my progress

it's funny. i could walk up to your front door
and stand there as you say hello, talk about our kid for hours
i could probably even talk to you about the damage you've done
without shedding a tear--not a single one
i could call you right now and tell you i forgive you
because trust me, i do

i could do that

but i can't make it one whole month without your goddamn
memory burning through my brain
i can't not have a nightmare of being ripped
of being mutilated
of being forced to consent when permission was never asked
nor was it granted
i cant shake the feeling the door slamming with the wind
is really your rage penetrating the peace
or that my dogs barks are because he sees your car
i cant help but check my seats before i leave work at night
because what if your memory is waiting for a fight?
what if your ghost wants to ruin my mind?
What if your damage is not done?
Keep in mind, I don't hate you
I'm done hating you, I've got nothing for you
I've got no hard feelings, because you'll live with your own hell
You get to go through your days knowing you lost your children
You destroyed lives, you left my baby
But through me, no feeling is offered
I've got nothing

But by God, the memory still kills me
And it takes a lot to remember that it's not real
For all I know, you're not even him anymore
And for all you know, I'm still that girl
The girl that stayed, despite the bruises
And the rape
And the cheating
And the insults
And the constant, overbearing shadow saying,
"Kill me. Please."

It takes so much to remember to forget
It requires a lot of force, to take those memories
And bury them, deep within my subconscious
Further than dreams can penetrate
But their shadow permeates my mind
And it lingers, despite my efforts.
Leaving me frightened of absolutely nothing
Besides the memories I can't erase.