Saturday, September 19, 2015

Little Monster

I had a terrible thought today
While I was just sitting on my couch
And I sat that are I felt the fear crouch
Next to my ear and it said
This is your fault.

Now before I say too much
And you start praying I don't act on a hunch
Just know that I've never had this thought occur to me
Never had this huge epiphany

When I was raped, I'd heard the mantras
The little magic words we're told to say
When we're penetrated, violated
Like a broken record on repeat
"It's not my fault, it's not my fault"
You see, I watch a lot of SVU
And I've been to many, many meetings
I've spoken to many cops, a few preachers
And they all tell me it wasn't my fault
How could I have known that that line would be crossed?
How could I have known to expect that kind of loss
Of self, of dignity, he stole it
But it's been almost a year now, and now I second-guess it

I will swear on my own daughter' beating heart that it happened
And I'll rip his out as soon as I get the chance
But he's been in multiple relationships, one-night stands
And yet he has only my blood on his hands
I always told myself that they'd listen when the monster woke up
When he took another life, I'll be glad I spoke up
I won't be the 'crazy baby mama', the jealous ex
I'll be the one that called this end
I'll finally be believed, and I'll finally get my justice
I'll finally be safe from him; but that must've
Just been my mind hoping for an escape
Because I'm still the one with no screws in her brain

"He's so perfect, we're so in love"
"No, he never touched me, we just broke up"
"I've heard about you, are your legs finally closed?"
"You can't get raped by a man that you know"
What if I'm his only victim?

How do I possibly protect myself when
After a year, he hasn't struck again
How can I say that it wasn't my fault
When the monster's still locked away in his damn vault
A part of me says that I drove him to it
The funny thing is, my brain knows that's bullshit
And my ears only hear him whispering that to me:
"You, and only you, brought out that man in me."

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, don't misconstrue
But I was so confident in his insanity that I didn't think it through
I was so sure that people secretly knew this man
But no one had the courage to out him
And now I'm being approached by this little demonized fear
Whispering these tiny little doubts into my ear
I'm probably going insane, because I can hear
Your voice telling me that I steered you into these waters
I drove you to it
Just like you drove the point home to shut up
I caused this mess
Just like you always had to clean my 'lies' up
And I'm not sure how to even kill this little thing
And I hate it, hate hearing you, hate remembering your name
I hate that I was finally forgiving you and now it's Hell's ring
I hate that I wasted a day doing nothing
But staring into space and remembering to breathe
I hate that you still have such control over me.

But most of all, I hate that your monster still sleeps.
Wake up, little guy, and prove to me
That you're still the pathetic little man that couldn't keep me
Tied to you, the way you've got Evee and Aimee and Ashley and Allie
And you had Hunter and me and Sammii and Skylar
Remind me of how much of a man you can be.
Show me, little monster.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Trigger

I have been struggling for months
Years even
But mostly since you got drunk
And played the blame game on me
"I'm just trying to act out your fantasy"
No one believes the woman crying rape
When she's already well-known in the game
Branded as a slut, an abuser, "not fully there"
She's got so many issues under that hair
No one believes you when your attacker has a face
And you're dating him, for Christ's sake
You can't possibly ever be raped
By the man about to give you his name
I didn't want it.

I've been reluctant to try and write
Because I don't even know if I have the right
Words to explain what you've done to me
I use present tense because it's chronic
It's an illness without a tonic
I don't have relief because there is none
I've shut down for months, become numb
I've walked on the edge of multiple addictions
I've sat down and tried to talk about this affliction
But it's so hard, love.

Last week, I was attacked
Not physically, but mentally, and that lacked
The decency of leaving visible marks
Proof that I suffered, because mark
My words, I did.

My friend said one phrase, that's it
That's all it took for the memories to take hold
And clench my throat in their grasp
I sat in my car, gasping for air
I couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep
Without the nightmares coming back
I imagined your face as it became the monster
And I could smell your breath, the stale scent
Of your Black Velvet and Marlboro red cigarettes
I could feel your calloused fingers ripping down my pants
Or my underwear, as I fought back
In my dreams, it was January
We both know what happened that morning

Wednesday night, I messaged my roommate
I said, "Hey, I'm taking my man upstairs after work
I just want to spend time with him, no worries
No sex, I promise"
He replied back, "He's been having issues,
Don't tell him I told you
But he feels inadequate in his physical attractiveness
Maybe you should have sex with him, it'll make him feel better.."
And I was attacked

I couldn't grip the steering wheel, I came up with excuses
Why I didn't want to go to bed yet, I'm not tired
(Don't ask me to have sex tonight)
I don't want to cuddle tonight as we sleep
(I don't want a reminder than you have a man's body)
I don't want to be touched right now, I'm just grumpy
(All I feel are his fingertips)

Thursday, I had the day off work. I put my feelings aside
I kept it inside
I can't trust anyone to not tell him
I can't stand not telling him
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

Friday, went to work, came home late at night
He told me he wanted some love
I told him, Not tonight
I'm too tired, let's raincheck
(Please don't ask me to touch that)
I pinky-swore
(Why did I pinky-swear?!)

Saturday, I went to work, and I couldn't think
I couldn't think of anything but your body on mine
Holding me down
Telling me to shut up
"Keep screaming, and I'll do it again"
"Don't say 'rape', I'll do it again"
"Why'd you change your background?! Get over here!"
And he did it again
And again
And again

I couldn't see anything but flashes
I saw the floor
I saw the sectional
I saw the ceiling
I saw the bed
I saw the bottle I tried to break over your head
I saw you morph into the monster
I saw you cry as you apologized

I couldn't hear anything but you
Saying, "I'll teach our daughters to know better"
"You need to learn more respect"
"Tell me you love me, and I'll stop"
"Keep arguing and see what happens"
"Tell anyone, and you'll never see your daughter again"
"I will bury you"
"No one will believe you""
"No one will believe you"
"No one will believe you."

I called my best friend and I cried
Barely coherent, how can I explain
That my rapist, my ghost
Was prohibiting me from enjoying life
Moving on
Creating a family with the best man on the planet
How do I explain that?
She told me to just do it, they're different people
JAMES IS NOT BRIAN.
But in that moment, it wasn't the people I imagined
It was the sex
The brutality
The forcefulness
The salty tears, the runny nose
The screaming and begging like a dog in a shelter
Don't kill this part of me, please!
She told me to tell him
But I couldn't
You don't understand.

I sat in my car
Doing my EMDR
It's this therapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Where you tap alternatively to release memories
Desensitize
I managed to build up the courage to go to the door
I sat outside, stalling until my roommate came home
I'd called him once I left work, begging him to hurry up
So I didn't have to explain
How can I explain?

I came up with more excuses
I'm worn out
(Don't touch me)
We need to wake up early tomorrow
(Don't touch me)
I don't want to have to shower right now
(Don't touch me)
It's late
(DON'T TOUCH ME!)

Sunday we went to an amusement park
We even went to the wave pool
But I wouldn't let him touch me
Except to hold my hand so I wouldn't fall
I wore a bikini
(Don't look at me)
I felt exposed, scared
All these people could see my pelvic bones
They had no idea that they once wore bruises
One on each side, front and back
From being shoved onto my hardwood floor
Taken from the back to teach me a lesson
About defiance
Then flipped to the front so he could silence my cries
They could see the outline of my backside
Under the bikini bottom
But they would never know that he had taken that from me as well
Because he didn't like the looks of my cell phone
They had no idea that I had tried to follow the rules
I didn't cry that time until he shoved it in
I tried to placate him that night.

We got home on Sunday night, and he said he was horny
I laughed it off, not tonight
I'm tired, it's late, and my daughter is sleeping
(I don't want to imagine the male anatomy)

The next morning, well, it's morning
He's a man; it happens
I cringed, moved my body away from him
He snuggled closer
I got out of bed
I need to get our daughter
(Keep it away from me)

I told him, finally.
I told him how out of control my life is
How I've been struggling day in and day out
Don't resort to cutting, Brie
Don't ask anyone for alcohol, Brie
Don't you dare refuse food, Brie.
I'm the strong one, I'm the fighter
But I'm fighting a force that can't lose
I told him how defeating it is to be in love
But I can't even imagine a life without this?
Once I think I've healed, it implodes on me
And I'm back to square one
I told him about my nightmares, how scared I am
I told him how I won't get justice
Not even an apology
And he listened
He said, "Babe, I'm here for you
I gave you this ring because I can handle your crazy
And I love you
I thought you were about to leave me
I thought you hated the sight of me
But as much as it sucks, I'm glad to know it wasn't my fault."

YOU.
You have stolen my life, and for that, I will always hate you
You steal a child YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO CLAIM twice a week
You steal friends and I have to watch them go through my hell
You steal my innocence when I know I can empathize rather than sympathize
You steal my relationship because I can't bring myself to sleep with him
You steal my life, when my schedule revolves around accommodating you
You steal my sanity because you act so perfect and fool so many
You steal my words because how can I explain this?
You. Stole. Everything.

Every day is a damn struggle, and you'll never know what it's like
You will never have my nightmares
You'll never have a slight fear of muscles because of how powerless you are
You'll never avoid town gatherings to avoid an anxiety attack
And you will never fear being called a liar
An abuser, a child-beater, a cheater, a whore
You'll never know what you've really stolen from me.

I'm trying my best to move on
But I can't fully heal
And I'm starting to understand that once you've been raped
Once your dignity has been stolen
That you never really do
They'll always be a ghost, married to your subconscious
"Til death to us part"
Huh, guess you got your wish, love.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I Don't Even Know What This Is.

Real eyes realize real lies
And since you can't seem to see
Do you want to borrow mine?
I don't think you understand the root of my hate
And I honestly fear that you've fallen prey to this game
I hope you know the apologies are just show
And you seem to believe it but, no
I will not have it
If you haven't seen what he's done to me
By now, you never will

He's raped and pillaged like a goddamned Viking
He's beaten and abused like it's his hobby
But he soothes it over with 'love' like Vicodine
Numbing the pain with his words
Making the victim lost their mind
Twisting and distorting their view of reality,
This, this is a man to fear

I thought I could find closure
And I can't
I'm still angry, lashing out
At all the wrong people, when they didn't do shit
But I'm starting to ponder what to make of it

Maybe I do need to see you in jail
Maybe you shouldn't see my daughter again
Maybe I should see you hang
I'm honestly not sure anymore

I started a journal about you, my dear
One that you will soon read
Once it's finished, I will show the world
And hope that they believe

But even if they don't,
I won't be suprised
I didn't believe either, and I still find it hard to
Picture you doing the things you did

Sometimes I look at old photos of us
And I miss the way you used to cuddle up
To me, the way you went 50 miles to get medicine
The way you'd help me walk and the way you'd talk
The way your stupid smile would appear out of nowhere
But then it hits me

The smile of love becomes that demon again
And I have to hold back tears again
Fight off nightmares again
And bring myself to life again

I remember your tears as you begged me to hold you
The night you entered my home
You told me to kiss you, to overcome the monster
But you knew nothing could stop him

I remember you telling me that everything was my fault
If I had just kept quiet, no one would have known
No one would have taken them again
And we could still pretend we had love

I'm not sure if it was ever love, anymore
I know I wanted out for months
But when you moved on, I could never let go
And neither could you

I'm so tired of the anger
The frustration
The fighting
The fear
The monster, waiting for me to come near
I can never trust you again, I'm so sure of that
But I sometimes wish I could, just so I could pretend that
You've changed, that you'll be a good father,
Even though I'm happy with my present love
I can still hope

If I had to be completely honest, and I'm just writing shit down
You and I both know that I never remember what I write
But as a last resort, since I won't get the justice I deserve
And my child will most likely be stuck enduring the same
Fate as her sister, my babies
Just know I hate to suggest this, but maybe,
Just maybe
All I need is a goddamn apology

Not one of your excuses
I don't want to hear "You'll never understand"
I don't want to hear "You made me this man"
I just want a plain old, "Brie, I'm sorry
I want to change, just let me.
Just give me the peace I so desperately need"
And maybe this war will be over
Because I'm so tired, love
So tired.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Dear Child

Hey Baby
I know it's been a while
But I know you haven't forgotten me
So thank you for that
And I just want you to know
Not a day goes by where I don't think of you
Picture you in my mind
Wonder what you're doing
Wonder how this plays out
If your mother gets you
Will you see your sister
Will I ever see you again
The little girl that captured my heart
And drove me to insanity
The girl I would do anything for
The girl I stuck around for
What will become of you?

I'm thinking about starting a diary
A little online journal just for you
Just something to read when you're older
And you can understand
And put your reservations aside
And just read
Read what I say, then decide my fate
You won't remember be in 10 years,
Maybe even in 5
But I'll always hang your picture up
God, your room's already a shrine
I've decided to keep it ready
In case they ever let you come home
In case a miracle happens
Because maybe there is a God
And maybe he's a just God
Maybe he'll see what's going on
And maybe the web catches them
Maybe.

But this is your introductory letter, child
And when the time comes, you'll know where to find
Your little journal of love letters
And sob story letters
The pleading letters, the mourning letters,
Every letter.
You'll know.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Pheonix

After the rapes, I was too scared to really come forward and tell the world what my ex had done to me. I didn't want to press charges, I didn't want to feel. My feelings just shut off, and I was numb. My mind started to forget what had happened to me, but the nightmares kept at it and I got anxious every time I visited home. And that still happens. But now, it's like the feelings I had kept locked up are out. And the pain and fear are gone. I'm not scared of him anymore. I'm not scared to let the world know what this man is capable of. And good Lord, the world will know.

I've come to write a letter
I letter I'd never rendered
Necessary until now
And I'm writing it now

Dear Insert Blank Space Here
I just wanted to say fuck you
No, seriously, I mean it
I've been afraid for too long, you
Had a power over me, and I hate it
But trust me when I say
That I'm not even close to afraid
I've got an army at my back
Just made up of facts
And as a matter of fact,
You lied
But for now I'll keep you alive
Just so I can inflict enough pain
For you to see what I deal with every day
Are you sleeping where you died?
Do you have terrors in the night?
Have you been trying so hard to remember
Just so you wouldn't forget?
My brain just wants to surrender
The memories, but I won't let it
I refuse to suppress what you did to me
I need to know what it did to me
How it affected me
How it killed me
And how it cured me
You see, I'm back now with a vengeance
And I'll stop you from getting away with this
You'll pay for what you did, one way or another
And I'd hate for you to turn up dead
I'd hate to see the sky turn red
And I'd hate to see your rolling head
Because that's too kind to someone so cruel
And for someone that died, I've learned a thing or two
You can stand on solid ground
And I'll just dig it from beneath you
Slowly going around
Until you're too far down to move
Then I can just bury you alive
Bit by bit of dirt
And then I can listen to you scream
And damn, will it feel good.

Basically, my love, I'm just warning you
That I'm back, I'm pissed, and I'm coming after you.