Saturday, July 1, 2017

its like i have a necklace
trying to strangle me, but im reckless
always have been
and i tend to forget the place im in
because i can shut down and stare at a wall
and you wont notice til i refuse to talk
but its not even that i refuse
its that i dont hear you
i shut down to protect myself
i dont want the pain
i dont wanna remember the pain
i dont wanna think about the pain
if i just dont think about it, it never happened

sometimes im hit with an image of your face
its contorted, so twisted, so scary with rage
you're standing in front of me and its getting hard to breathe
the chains are around my feet again, saying
'you cant leave me, try as you might
and sweetheart we can keep fighting this fight
and ill bury you so far youll see constant night
but its really just dirt and youll be blind'
and my hair turns to knots along with my stomach
my hands start to sweat though im freezing
and i itch for you to just fight me
just raise your hand to hit me, please
set me off

let me turn into what you think i am
what i think i am
what you all think i am
let my eyes glaze over as i fight for my life
for my rights
let me lose control
invade me
punch me
give me a reason to just

Just my daily rant

the blood is dry
holding the blade up high
as ive finished my masterpiece
just like every single piece
of me is broken off
every day by some jackoff
about something completely idiotic
and you dont realize
that i dont even need to get this kind of high
by myself
when i have someone else
telling me im a slut
even jokingly, dont you know anything
about me?
im just as insecure as the next girl
i know my bodys imperfect
i know im a horrible parent
i know im a whore
you act like the labels dont apply anymore
you forget ive been told this for years
so much so that its tattooed between my ears
seared on my brain, forever in my mind
so when you tell me
what you perceive to be true
i already know it is
i dont need you telling me again.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

I'm a Liar, You Win

im a liar
i say so many lies
every day, and in every day lies
another nightmare
another repulsion
at socializing
at food
at myself
because you always told me i was shit
i was a horrible mother
and an awful girlfriend
a terrible friend
and i deserved everything i got
everything you gave me
i deserved to be hit when i cheated
but your dick could do no wrong
i deserved to be violated the first time
because i flirted with your friend
i deserved to lose my daughter
because i cant grow up
i deserve to be alone
because no one understands
i deserve this

i tell lies to people
all the time
i say that im fine
that the wounds have healed to scars
and the scars may ache when a storm arises
or when i need a reminder of what how decrepit i am
but they never stop aching anymore
they never stop burning
and my arm has been itching to feel a blade
to know that i can control something
i tell lies when i say that i dont cry
that i dont lie awake at night
and dread
going to bed
because i know you'll be inside my head
telling me how much of a liar i am

i dont have scars
i lied
i have flesh-eating wounds
that i just stick a band-aid on
and procure a smiling face
teeth glistening
eyes bright
but then the band-aid withers and falls
and the weight of my lies comes crashing down
whenever im alone
which is always
even in a group of people im always alone
because youre right
no one understands

and i say that time heals all
but its been years and i still feel everything
i can still hear everything
like ghosts in my head
whispering everything you said
the walls hint at atrocities
but they take your side too

i threw out our mattress
i threw out the couch
i got on my hands and needs and scrubbed the floors
where your aim found its mark in me
on me, in me, everywhere through me
but yet i cant get rid of you
i cant get rid of me

i feel like one of those girls
that just says whatever it takes
to get attention whenever i voice my opinion
or try to tell my story
because the storys already been heard
and im the antagonist
im the whore the bitch the betrayer the worthless piece of shit 
i am
the monster the one who brought the monster out to play
i asked for it

oh i couldve left
i couldve left the minute things got bad
the minute i saw that red flag
but i didnt
so i deserve everything i lost
the friends the years the intelligence the sanity the peace the chaos
i lost it and i can never repair it
never see it as it once was
never experience it as it once was nothing
could ever be as it once was because
you won

you win
you always win
its like a cage fight and im back to one twenty and youre again at two forty
and ive got no muscle and neither do you
but im powerless and i cant walk right 
and i cant feint right when you use your left to catch me as i come up for air
and the impact resounds in my head with the voices
and it echos and echos
through the halls filled with glimpses of memories
of companions of trust of naivety of love
of belonging of peace of energy of everything
and im alone
so you win
im a liar, a big fat lie
everything i said is a lie
because how can i ever tell the truth about
the bruises the rapes anything
when everything you told me is true too
and you said it never happened
so im a liar just a stupid fucking liar
and you win

Sunday, November 20, 2016

I'm Still Not Okay

I had another nightmare today.
Another moment where I saw your face.
I saw your hand as it flew
And I saw a glint in your blue eyes
And in my sleep, I realized
That I'm still not over it.

It's been over two years
I've faced by fears and my demons
I've shed them, healed my lesions
I've gotten off my meds,
Thought you were out of my head
But you're not, and you should be

I've been happy for almost two years
i've got a great man and two beautiful kids
i'm excelling in school and i've got a stable job
i've even stopped writing
but that's all part of the lie isn't it?
once i feel better, your memory appears and destroys my progress

it's funny. i could walk up to your front door
and stand there as you say hello, talk about our kid for hours
i could probably even talk to you about the damage you've done
without shedding a tear--not a single one
i could call you right now and tell you i forgive you
because trust me, i do

i could do that

but i can't make it one whole month without your goddamn
memory burning through my brain
i can't not have a nightmare of being ripped
of being mutilated
of being forced to consent when permission was never asked
nor was it granted
i cant shake the feeling the door slamming with the wind
is really your rage penetrating the peace
or that my dogs barks are because he sees your car
i cant help but check my seats before i leave work at night
because what if your memory is waiting for a fight?
what if your ghost wants to ruin my mind?
What if your damage is not done?
Keep in mind, I don't hate you
I'm done hating you, I've got nothing for you
I've got no hard feelings, because you'll live with your own hell
You get to go through your days knowing you lost your children
You destroyed lives, you left my baby
But through me, no feeling is offered
I've got nothing

But by God, the memory still kills me
And it takes a lot to remember that it's not real
For all I know, you're not even him anymore
And for all you know, I'm still that girl
The girl that stayed, despite the bruises
And the rape
And the cheating
And the insults
And the constant, overbearing shadow saying,
"Kill me. Please."

It takes so much to remember to forget
It requires a lot of force, to take those memories
And bury them, deep within my subconscious
Further than dreams can penetrate
But their shadow permeates my mind
And it lingers, despite my efforts.
Leaving me frightened of absolutely nothing
Besides the memories I can't erase.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Little Monster

I had a terrible thought today
While I was just sitting on my couch
And I sat that are I felt the fear crouch
Next to my ear and it said
This is your fault.

Now before I say too much
And you start praying I don't act on a hunch
Just know that I've never had this thought occur to me
Never had this huge epiphany

When I was raped, I'd heard the mantras
The little magic words we're told to say
When we're penetrated, violated
Like a broken record on repeat
"It's not my fault, it's not my fault"
You see, I watch a lot of SVU
And I've been to many, many meetings
I've spoken to many cops, a few preachers
And they all tell me it wasn't my fault
How could I have known that that line would be crossed?
How could I have known to expect that kind of loss
Of self, of dignity, he stole it
But it's been almost a year now, and now I second-guess it

I will swear on my own daughter' beating heart that it happened
And I'll rip his out as soon as I get the chance
But he's been in multiple relationships, one-night stands
And yet he has only my blood on his hands
I always told myself that they'd listen when the monster woke up
When he took another life, I'll be glad I spoke up
I won't be the 'crazy baby mama', the jealous ex
I'll be the one that called this end
I'll finally be believed, and I'll finally get my justice
I'll finally be safe from him; but that must've
Just been my mind hoping for an escape
Because I'm still the one with no screws in her brain

"He's so perfect, we're so in love"
"No, he never touched me, we just broke up"
"I've heard about you, are your legs finally closed?"
"You can't get raped by a man that you know"
What if I'm his only victim?

How do I possibly protect myself when
After a year, he hasn't struck again
How can I say that it wasn't my fault
When the monster's still locked away in his damn vault
A part of me says that I drove him to it
The funny thing is, my brain knows that's bullshit
And my ears only hear him whispering that to me:
"You, and only you, brought out that man in me."

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, don't misconstrue
But I was so confident in his insanity that I didn't think it through
I was so sure that people secretly knew this man
But no one had the courage to out him
And now I'm being approached by this little demonized fear
Whispering these tiny little doubts into my ear
I'm probably going insane, because I can hear
Your voice telling me that I steered you into these waters
I drove you to it
Just like you drove the point home to shut up
I caused this mess
Just like you always had to clean my 'lies' up
And I'm not sure how to even kill this little thing
And I hate it, hate hearing you, hate remembering your name
I hate that I was finally forgiving you and now it's Hell's ring
I hate that I wasted a day doing nothing
But staring into space and remembering to breathe
I hate that you still have such control over me.

But most of all, I hate that your monster still sleeps.
Wake up, little guy, and prove to me
That you're still the pathetic little man that couldn't keep me
Tied to you, the way you've got Evee and Aimee and Ashley and Allie
And you had Hunter and me and Sammii and Skylar
Remind me of how much of a man you can be.
Show me, little monster.